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(10 June 2000, Colorado) A gentleman in Denver decided that since he couldn't find a human dance partner, he would make do with an ostrich. Yes, an ostrich. Not a duck -- they only know disco. Not a Rhode Island Red -- communists all of 'em. But an ostrich. So he did what any other person with such a yen would do. He went to an ostrich farm, climbed a ten-foot fence, and tried to catch one.
If you can imagine Julio Iglesias singing "To All the Chicks I've Loved Before," let that be the soundtrack for this story. The man and ostrich intertwined like, well, a man and ostrich, and started slow dancing. However, when the dance pace picked up to "Livin' La Vida Loca," the big bird decided that the Arthur Murray dance course wasn't worth the money and began to flap and peck away at the man. Our moron decides to run away from the bird.
Wrong move.
Ostriches have a herd mentality. When one runs, they all run, and their path was right on the tail of our clumsy hero. He decides to fall to the ground and play dead, forgetting that ostriches have really strong legs, and when multiple pairs of them are kicking the stuffing out of you, you really don't have much of a chance.
The owner of the farm finally noticed the racket and called 911 to report the first ever Ostrich hoedown on a human dance floor. The man was rescued from a certain death, but remains in the hospital with pretty much everything broken.
And the moral?
"Don't slow dance with an ostrich."
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