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Old 03-02-2003, 06:54 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2002
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What would happen if the priestly prayers weren't written in gibberish in many MUDs? We'd be better off the way we were.

"Dear god, wouldn't it be cool if some wierd-ass bubble thing encased me in an impenetrable shield? I think it would. Then I could tank with this dude for longer, you know, to further your goals and such. Thanks in advance, Your Greatest Fan."

Cure Light Wounds
"Dear god, please heal this person, but only lightly. He was attacking me and stuff, so I slit his throat and now he's dying. Roflmayo! It sure would suck if you healed him all the way, though, since then he'd probrally try to kill me again. "

Summon Woodland Creature
"Dear god, please give me a really big animal to mess people up with. That would be so cool. I could teach it to throw knives! Thanks."

Change Sex
"Heya... god... I've got a really delicate issue to bring up. You see, when a man isn't happy with his divine gifts.. Uh... Not to say that your wisdom in making him... a him, isn't divine in all ways possible, but maybe you could, ah.... I know! Give him a different perspective! That's it! So make this dude no longer a dude, and he'll be happy for some reason! Thanks, man, you're the greatest d00d."

"Dear god, this bloody stiff... this dead person that I in no way had any role in the slaughter of, still has things that he needs to do here. So please reconsider taking him from his heavenly delights, that are his every right as a dead person to have, and plopping the bugger back in his body. Oh yeah, and heal the body too."

Cure Poison
"Dear god, it'd really impress people if I could eat this 3-month old waffle. More people that are impressed equals more people that worship you. More people that worship you equals more power for you. More power for you equals more waffles for me. More waffles for me equals I don't starve to death, you #######. Plus I can impress people. I know what you're thinking, that this is some kind of "pyramid scheme". Well, it's not, and you can take my word for it. Ask some of our happy people who have been benifitted by [Worshipper]'s Magic Waffle Program...."

Cure Disease
"From the people who brought you [Worshipper]'s Magic Waffle Program, comes a brand new system of ultimate power! Introducing the amazing [Worshipper]'s Magic STDs-curing Program! Watch in amazement as [Worshipper] has relations with millions of people, and doesn't get herpes! All thanks to you, our valuble customer. Be stunned as [Worshipper]'s immense size brings worshippers to your doorstep! Ask for blood sacrifices from a few thousand! You won't care, since you'll still have many, many more! Act now, and we'll throw in this amazing new...."

Cure Blindness
"Dear god, I know you told me not to, but I did it, and a lot of it. I thought they were lying. I could be of so much more service to you if I wasn't blind. Of course, I could also be of more service to you if I wasn't filled with so much self-lust, but what are you going to do? What? No, I meant that figuratively, taking it off will NOT solve anything. Oh yeah?! Well what are you going to do about it?!..... AAAAAAH NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!....."

Cure Intoxication
"*baarp* HeYAuuuu ghod! In MANutr... UIHJn don'tnas known whyn thahnt DRINKI tansted somNfunny. Itn suren waAS goomd DHoh. Ieke liken CHEENS thatn youn moput on nthat pm,latter. IN go lany donw, bunat yojin coul nmdo that hoke thing for me, in thenb CHURHC. CHaple. Heh roflmahyo. (thump)" (after which, god runs church for five minutes, gets tired of it, and cures the passed-out priest.)

Cure Pregnancy
"Oh, please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please let her not be pregnant, oh please, oh please....(etc)"

Dispel Evil
"Dear GOD, get RID of this shuffling mass of reanimated FLESH, it's ruining the finish!"

You can think of many more, I'm sure.

Disclaimer: I used the male prefix in most of these purely for convenience. It probrally looks like I'm being sexist, but I'm not, so don't go all nuts or anything. O.o
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Old 04-22-2003, 02:11 PM   #2
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One thing I noticed about the descriptions of priests or clerics praying for their God's favor invariably kneel down. So if they want to heal, they kneel. If they want to cast a shield, they kneel first. And if they want to hit their enemy with a lightning bolt, they make sure they kneel so their God knows who to aim at.

Good thing it's not like that in real life, kneeling and standing back up twenty six times every time you want to fight something's gotta be tough.
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