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Old 01-08-2003, 02:22 PM   #1
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Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket.
"Oh, Sam, I'm so tired. We have traveled so far, and endured so much to come
to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the
strength to continue."

"Enough of that, Mr. Frodo", Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The
six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to
this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn
up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. "Mr.
Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart,
and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that's what you are. Come now,
let's get moving. The faster we're done with this unpleasant business the
faster we can get back to the Shire." Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still
tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum
glared back at Sam, an unmistakable hungry leer in his look.

"Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it's true. I do wish old Bilbo had
never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous...what was that
noise? Orcs?"

On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from
what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an
unholy cacophony. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom
burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of
where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff
in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to
the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, "WOOT! Dark Lord

An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a
shout of "Woot!" and "Gratz!" came, as more and more beings piled forth from
the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre
on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand.

"Uhm, excuse me...", began Frodo.

"Eh?" the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first
time. "WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this
zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic.
It's like so much better than that crap you're wearing. Mithril, that's like,
tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he's in this
zone in fooking tradeskill crap!"

"Just a sec, Urofsuke," a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. "I'm
doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!"

Frodo's head swam, with hunger and the heat. "Yes, the tunic, it was forged by
dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle..."

"You're a twink?"

"Ah, hmm. I was just wondering..ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for
centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy..."

"You're doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that's rich, dude, no one has
the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get
his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can't believe you waited for
the fooking ring." Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain
across his broad face. "Doesn't matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he
won't be around for a while."

Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre's words. "TDL...?"

Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish
children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. "The Dark Lord,
dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won't be up for you
to do the quest part with that ring."

"But the council of Rivendell...."

"Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It's only good for tradeskills. Only
reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it's
his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor
Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things."

"Pharm...crowns?" Frodo's vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily
losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered
further back against the cliff.

"Holy fook, it's Gollum!" and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum
with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature
outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the
elven cord. "Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!", and the ogre walked
up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum's back. "Woot! Gollum's
satchel! This'll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there's another ring on the
corpse, it's no drop, and not lore, if you want it..."

"Now see here, Gollum was with us!" Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his
bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. "We were taking him to..."

"Can't claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum's FFA. If you didn't attack him, he's
not your mob. Sorry, them's the rules."

"Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let's go!" Ubernutz
had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown.
"We're porting out from here, you in?"

"Yeah, I"m coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We're porting to Gondor, you
guys need a lift?"

"We have walked for many months to come to this place..." Frodo began again,
trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.

"You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there's a port in at Minas
Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I'm outta here." And with that, a shimmering light
surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the
disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that
desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the
bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in
Frodo's hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it
had been.
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Old 01-08-2003, 11:45 PM   #2
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That has gotta be one of the funniest things I have ever read, Demon Master.

Here is something else I ran across months ago that is based on something alot like that story

The Secret Diaries of The Lord of the Rings
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Old 01-09-2003, 12:55 AM   #3
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Very funny stuff. Really enjoyed it guys.

In the spirit of this thread but with the disclaimer that you should be familiar with D&D I present this link! What if Lotr was a bad D&D game session.

Lotr as a bad D&D game session
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Old 01-09-2003, 10:43 AM   #4
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Rofl Jehan, those diaries are brilliant.
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Old 01-10-2003, 02:09 AM   #5
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I just had to add a post of my own to the LOTR D&D, couldn't help it
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Old 01-10-2003, 03:09 PM   #6
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rotflmao! the secret diaries were the funniest things i've heard in a long time, if not EVER!! great find T.V.T.!

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Old 01-13-2003, 12:14 AM   #7
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For you all that like the first post here is a bit more i found on the bbs i frequent everyday it seems...

>From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
>obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut enough
>to let it stand.

That puts the fear of God in me: FotR in two hours. "Abridged"
is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version
is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?


Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.

Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!

Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)

Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs)
It's okay, I'll save you.

Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
by this one Ranger!

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the #### out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!

Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
Pippin: Where the #### did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.

Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.

Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror
are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!

Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Gimli: Shut the #### up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.

Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. ####, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in ####
I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.


Yeah, that's about two hours.
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Old 01-13-2003, 12:22 AM   #8
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one last crack at the LoTR Mega Millioniare Club known as Fellowship of the Ring:

The Lord of the Rings: an allegory of the PhD?
by Dave Pritchard

The story starts with Frodo: a young hobbit, quite bright, a bit dissatisfied with what he's learnt so far and with his mates back home who just seem to want to get jobs and settle down and drink beer. He's also very much in awe of his tutor and mentor, the very senior professor Gandalf, so when Gandalf suggests he take on a short project for him (carrying the Ring to Rivendell), he agrees.

Frodo very quickly encounters the shadowy forces of fear and despair which will haunt the rest of his journey and leave permanent scars on his psyche, but he also makes some useful friends. In particular, he spends an evening down the pub with Aragorn, who has been wandering the world for many years as Gandalf's postdoc and becomes his adviser when Gandalf isn't around.

After Frodo has completed his first project, Gandalf (along with head of department Elrond) proposes that the work should be extended. He assembles a large research group, including visiting students Gimli and Legolas, the foreign postdoc Boromir, and several of Frodo's own friends from his undergraduate days. Frodo agrees to tackle this larger project, though he has mixed feelings about it. ("'I will take the Ring', he said, 'although I do not know why.'")

Very rapidly, things go wrong. First, Gandalf disappears and has no more interaction with Frodo until everything is over. (Frodo assumes his supervisor is dead: in fact, he's simply found a more interesting topic and is working on that instead.) At his first international conference in Lorien, Frodo is cross-questioned terrifyingly by Galadriel, and betrayed by Boromir, who is anxious to get the credit for the work himself. Frodo cuts himself off from the rest of his team: from now on, he will only discuss his work with Sam, an old friend who doesn't really understand what it's all about, but in any case is prepared to give Frodo credit for being rather cleverer than he is. Then he sets out towards Mordor.

The last and darkest period of Frodo's journey clearly represents the writing-up stage, as he struggles towards Mount Doom (submission), finding his burden growing heavier and heavier yet more and more a part of himself; more and more terrified of failure; plagued by the figure of Gollum, the student who carried the Ring before him but never wrote up and still hangs around as a burnt-out, jealous shadow; talking less and less even to Sam. When he submits the Ring to the fire, it is in desperate confusion rather than with confidence, and for a while the world seems empty.

Eventually it is over: the Ring is gone, everyone congratulates him, and for a few days he can convince himself that his troubles are over. But there is one more obstacle to overcome: months later, back in the Shire, he must confront the external examiner Saruman, an old enemy of Gandalf, who seeks to humiliate and destroy his rival's protege. With the help of his friends and colleagues, Frodo passes through this ordeal, but discovers at the end that victory has no value left for him. While his friends return to settling down and finding jobs and starting families, Frodo remains in limbo; finally, along with Gandalf, Elrond and many others, he joins the brain drain across the Western ocean to the new land beyond.
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Old 01-29-2003, 09:31 AM   #9
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The subtitles are priceless.

Butchered TTT Bootleg

Do you remember Gimli's famous line?

"Toast me."

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Old 01-29-2003, 02:19 PM   #10
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That nearly killed me Jehanelin... I swear. I had tears streaming down my face. I am probably just strange but that cracked me up more than all the other stories and links put together.

*tries to calm his cramping stomach and bursts out laughing again*
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